Well it's been a while, not alot new with me which is quite sad in the space of a couple of months nothing much has changed. If I was 100% happy with life then well I'd never want change but alas sadly thats not the case.

Living with my gran for a bit at the moment, all she does is tries to feed me, total nightmare for the waistline, I also must drink about 15 cups of tea a day, I think Im systematically turning into an old lady.

Love life is abit complicated to say the least, I don't understand how I can feel so much for someone but don't really wanna be with them? How does that work? I actually think Im better off as a loner, I don't get as confused and don't hurt anyone, which is the last thing I want to do, I really am so confused at the moment. Trying to chat it through with anyone else just makes my head hurt, as I don't even understand how I am feeling.

Meh.

Ahh sunday night is upon us once again. Sunday is by far the most boring day out of 7, no wonder its associated with religion, *yawn* I actually look forward to going to work on a sunday as it breaks up the day of mind numbing boredum.

I managed to make spag bol when I got in from work and still can't get the hang of eating it without getting it all over my face, what is with that? Such a messy eater..

Anyway my weekend was rather interesting, the Fratellis were awesome on friday night, totally can't wait for there new album. Went out clubbing after it, although I have to question the people who attend these places, full of desperados, I actually saw one girl who went round a group of male friends and kissed all 3 of them, it really is so sad people get so desperate.

I don't have many thoughs today Im in a pretty "meh" mood tonight. So thats all..

I miss him...

Only at times like this do I realise it.

I know its most probably wrong to admit but the satisfaction I get from going to the gym is not from the good Im doing to my body, more for the awesome views I get when I go. So many men with large toned, muscle filled bodies. In reality it's not the type of look I go for, I tend to be attracted to the more weedy female looking men with long messy hair but in an energy charged environment like the gym it's like culture is stripped back, us women are no longer the strong willed, independent females we've come to know and love, we are lost souls looking for a glimmer of hope, for a big strong man to come and sweep us off our feet. I try not to let it cross my mind thats these fine specimens most probably have a gorgeous leggy blonde waiting at home for them, but anything that motivates me to work harder in the gym, is a God send anyday.

Gig tomorrow night, so excited about it, been a long time since I was last in that wonderful atmosphere that is you and so many others being engulfed under the one roof of musical talent. It's a feeling like no other, my favourite past time, if you could call it that, but hey Im the sort of person who always has that really blank lonely looking area on their C.V under Hobbies and Interests. How can you possibly include "Likes to get pissed on a Saturday night and spends most Sundays trying to piece together what she done the previous night. To potential employers Im sure I sound like the wonderful trustworthy employable type. Another thing along that same road is certain individuals seem to tell me alot "oh Gillian you're so mature for you're age, so confident" etc when in reality I have no idea what Im doing, I muddle through life, taking each day as it comes and making alot of fuck ups along the way but you only have one chance at this so you got to make this most of it...

So I've joined yet another blog site, pretty soon I think my fingers will fall off or my brain will explode, most likely the latter, makes more sense knowing me. Life is pretty trouble-some at the moment, feel like my heads in a blender and going at top speed the kind that reduces fruit to mere pulp. Is it wrong to feel completely sorry for yourself in a world where you know theres so many people in a worse off situation than your own, I know deep down it is, but I can't help myself from thinking "meh"

Also the species also known as men, why are they so confusing? Why do I torment myself going over and over the same situations and experiences, like the poor mechanical rabbit zooming around a racing track, covering so many distances and using up so much energy but getting nowhere and viewing the same sights again and again? It's the mystery of being human, no matter how much it hurts you push yourself further and harder, ripping your heart into more pieces everytime, but it's like an addiction, the adrenaline rush with the first flushes of attraction. You feel ontop of the world, like nothing or noone can interfere or burst that romantic bubble. But hey, I think I expect too much, is it possible to be the modern day Romeo & Juliet? Love today is much too disposable, it's not a case of "I'd rather kill myself than live without my Romeo" it's more "bye bye Romeo" and move on to the next opportunity. Everything is so disposable nowadays it saddens my romantic side to think relationships and love are heading that way too.

Yeah so today, was a tad boring, had an early shift at work which totally dragged in, getting out of bed at an ungodly hour to work for minimum wage, it's about as appealing as clawing your own eyeballs out it must be done. Also today I have been over playing Scouting for Girls album, it's annoyingly upbeat, surely noones life is like that, unless of course they are on crack a la Pete Doherty. I came home and hand baked about a million cakes, apparently concentrating on household tasks helps flush out frustrations, I guess it works. Although I had to pack off all my cooking to my gran, I'd rather not look like Shamu on the beach this summer back to the gym I go..